Picture the scene; I was ambling along my routine days path, sipping on a jug of gravy whilst ruminating on whether or not I could get away clean from a heist on Piebury Corner, when an unremarkable man clad in a trenchcoat and shades sat next to me. No words. I was startled but my needy nature meant I was more than pleased to finally have a companion to exchange opinions with and train my hamster army. The clandestine man put a briefcase on the table, the metal clasps snapping open efficiently. He removed a padded envelope with no markings on it whatsoever. It was at this time the enigma uttered his only words. ” The Red Fox only consumes the contents of a single wheelie bin “. With this, he closed the case, stood up sharply and left the scene abruptly, rendering me quizzical but also slightly sad that my potential Sargeant of the 1st Corps of Hamsters had gone. What might have been.
I picked up the padded envelope gingerly. Who knew what would be inside? Could it be the rhythm I was promised that would finally ‘ get me ‘? Could it be my wife’s Dear Jok letter? It was none of these. I will divulge the contents to you now. It was an excerpt from Carl Jenkinson’s Diary. Hold onto your hats and other assorted clothing accessories, for it’s going to get rather gusty…….
24th July – Training at 10am. Bouldy took the warm-up, but it’s never easy when he’s got the reins. I was sweating by the end of it. Jack had to stub out his fag halfway through the ten laps of the pitch. Abou joined in but collapsed a lap in ‘cos he stubbed his toe on the grass. Gaffer says he’ll be out for six weeks. Gutted for him. The new guy in my position, Matthew, seems a nice fella. He’s copied my haircut though. Alex has given him a nickname, it’s ‘LadyGarden’. Something to do with his surname? I don’t get it. the gaffer made us play a few 5-a-sides and then we all packed up. Mum was waiting in her car to take me home. We went straight to the cinema to watch the Lego Movie again. That’s 12 times I’ve seen it! Mum bought me popcorn as well, but I didn’t get to eat it, Bouldy was hiding behind us the whole time and kept knocking each piece out of my hand as I went to eat it. I know he’s looking out for my fitness but I really wanted that popcorn, it was caramel and everything. Went home and mum had cooked me favourite, Turkey dinosaurs and spaghetti hoops. Lovely. I was going to have ice cream and apple pie for afters but Bouldy had followed us home and was giving me the death stare through the french windows. I’m in bed now, the new Arsenal bedspread mum got me is the nuts. Tomorrow is training again. Still can’t believe I’m playing for them. My dream come true everyday.
26th July – It was a bad day today. Yesterday was brill, we all had epic BANTZ with Yaya, Nacho and Santi when we kept trying to make Alexis do rhyming slang, seriously, it was some funny stuff. Today though, just as Bouldy was ordering us to do 50 squats, the Gaffer invited me to his office after training. A cold chill swept up my back. what have I done? My fitness is around the best at the club, I’ve stopped nicking branded stuff from the canteen and I’ve left Charlie George alone for at least 6weeks. What could he want with me? Training dragged after that, not even Theo’s impression of BFG could cheer me up, though it was much BANTZ. Training ended and I trudged off to the Boss’s Office. I sat down in front of him and he told me he had high hopes for me. My heart sang right there. Something by Drake probably. He then said he’s sending me on loan for the season to see how I get on defensively. I didn’t hear anything after that, I ran out of the office in tears. I went straight to mums car and wept in her arms. I don’t know what I’d do without her. She took me to crazy golf, she let me win as well. We then went to GAME and she bought me another Skylanders figure. It cheered me up for a bit but I just wanted to go home. I went straight to my room and watched Fever Pitch on loop. I was getting texts from the boys, asking if I was alright, plus a few banterous ones. Jokes them boys. I couldn’t reply. I’m going to miss them so much….
29th July – I had a day off yesterday, me and dad closed the curtains, locked the doors and watched the Anfield ’89 DVD and ordered pizza. Bouldy was at the door, looking through the keyhole, but he couldn’t get in. It was just what I needed. When I got to training today, after polishing all of Bouldy’s medals and boots as punishment for the pizza, The Boss took me aside halfway through the 5-a-side. My team were winning 2-1 and I’d only been nutmegged 3 times by Santi. It was good times. The Boss told me it was a choice between Hull and West Ham. I said to him that I’d prefer West Ham. It’s closer to my family and they have more Nando’s down south. The Boss said it was a good decision as West Ham place emphasis on defence and it would give him a chance to see if that side of my game gets better. He patted my back, scruffed my hair and gave me a gold star. I was top of the class again. He really made me feel better. I went home with a spring in my step. Out of my pocket money I bought mum and dad takeaway. I was going to have some dumplings but when I was at the counter Bouldy was there and ordered for me. Plain rice is nice too.
31st July – In the morning I had a car pick me up from home. Mum and Dad wished me luck and I got inside. It took me to West Hams training ground. It’s going to take some getting used to. It’s a bit rough but the boys seem to have perfected their banter game. I had a right laugh. Training was different too. We were all at one end and there was Lawrence Dallaglio at the other end. He was hurling balls from about 70yds away and we all had to see who could get the header. The last one to win a header had to buy the Gaffers monthly supply of chewing gum. I was about fifth. I outjumped James Collins, who wasn’t too happy about the new boy beating him, but I gave him some BANTZ about his baldness and he seemed alright. I finished training and mum and dad had come to the ground to pick me up! Legends! We went straight to Nandos. No Bouldy in sight! I tucked right in and told mum and dad all about my day. They seemed really chuffed for me. I’m chuffed as well. This could be good for me, though the only place I want to play is at Arsenal. I’m going to get better and come back and nail down a spot in the team. I’m going to show the Boss that I’m ready. I can do this. Dad told me so. Watch out Premiership, Jenko is coming for ya!
That was the end of the piece I had received so cloak&dagger-like from the mysterious man. Explosive stuff. We now know Jenkinson will be playing his little heart out for the Hammers with the aim of being better for us. We knew that anyway to be honest, he adores our Club. We adore him too, he has achieved the dream of all fans, to play for the Club. I don’t think he has finished with us though. I genuinely believe he will have a part to play.
I’ve got to go. A bald man in a trenchcoat is eyeballing me as I down the last bites of my fried hamwich. He looks rather intense. Must dash.